More goals for 2011

Finish some of my fiction! (Fan or otherwise)

Become more worldly (yes, that means read the news - more than just entertainment news)

Become ambidextrous (mainly because my right wrist is bothering me right now and I'd like to be able to use my left hand more to alleviate this)

Spend more time with my friends (all of my friends, not just the closest few)

Learn to cook something new (I'm open to suggestions here)

Limit my consumption of soda and alcohol (basically beverages with high caloric content, since I don't drink diet soda)

Yep - more random crap. We'll see how far I make it on this.

2010 - The highs and lows

As 2010 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting back on the year, at the things that happened or didn't happen. So here are some of the good and bad things that happened.

Good Things:

I graduated from law school

I got my best law school grades ever

I passed the Washington State Bar

My brother and his wife had a healthy baby girl

One of the besties is pregnant with baby number 2

My sister in law is pregnant with baby number 2

Went to Vegas with one of the besties!

My husband finally got a job (after 18 months of looking)

Bad Things:

I spent the majority of my summer studying for the bar

I still haven't found a job as a lawyer

I had to move (from school to home, but still a move just the same)

I rolled my car, totaling it, but luckily, not totaling me

I missed Muse in concert

I owe a bajillion dollars in student loans that I have to put in deferral because I don't have a job that can pay them

I miss my law school friends who I don't see nearly often enough

So there you have it, a few of the ups and downs of the year. Here's hoping that 2011 will be better. I look forward to more babies and hopefully a job as a lawyer!

The [Insert Descriptive Word Here] One

I didn't get an invitation to a party. It was one of those Facebook open invites, so the party showed up in my feed, and I'm free to attend it, but I didn't get an invitation. I'm looking at the list of people that did get invited, and low and behold, there is one of my best friends.

Since we're equally close to the birthday girl, this got me thinking. I'm friends with some pretty amazing people. They're smart, they're witty, they're pretty, they're kind, and they're loyal. All wonderful qualities. But this leaves me wondering, if I had to pick one descriptive quality, which one am I?

Did you ever see the movie Love Actually? There's this scene where Colin (the sex god, who's on the wrong continent) goes to "any bar" in America, and there are tons of hot girls. He's sitting with this table full of beautiful women, and one of them comments about their friend that's missing (Harriet I believe), and she says "she's the 'sexy one'."

That's what I'm wondering about. I have friends that I can describe as The Pretty One, or The Athletic One, or The Talented One, or any number of other adjectives... but I can't really find one for me. There are several I'd like to be (The Smart One or The Friendly One or The Loyal One), but if you saw me with my friends, you'd probably think I'm The Other One (lacking description) or depending on the day maybe The Funny One, or The Fat One, or even The Loud One.

I'm not even sure if it matters, everyone is going to have a different label anyhow, but after missing the invitation to a party, I'm wondering if I'm The Invisible One, or The Obnoxious One, or The One Secretly Voted Off The Island. Food for thought I guess. And maybe a new New Years resolution.

Lost

How do you fix something you're not completely sure is broken? Okay, fine, I'm 99.44 percent sure I inadvertently torched a friendship that was (is?) very important to me. I have no clue how to go about fixing it.

Alright, that's not completely true. I have no clue how to fix it, aside from apologizing. I did that. I'm still hanging out here in the land of the unsure. I don't know what to do next. At least not without making myself look like an even bigger head case. (In this case, it's likely that I come across as neurotic and almost definite that I come across as insecure, this would just add copious quantities of fuel to that fire.)

Sometimes a girl just wants a concrete answer. Even if it's not the answer I want, an answer would be better than no answer. They (whoever "they" are) always say that actions speak louder than words. Well I'm here to disagree. I'm a lawyer. I'm a girl. I'm neurotic. I can interpret a lot from actions. I think that clear words are much louder.

So with this situation in mind, I begin my list of New Years Resolutions for 2011.

1) Find a way to be less obsessive about communication received (or not received as the case may be) from others.

2) Find a way to unempower songs.

3) Find a job as a lawyer.

4) Find out how to become the person I want to be. (Find the person I want to be - who is hopefully not going to be neurotic.)

5) Spend more time with my friends and family.

6) Improve my financial situation.

7) [insert traditional weight loss/heath related goals here]

There you have it. The start of the list. It may change, grow or shrink in the next two weeks or so. Stay tuned.

Things That Suck About Working Retail

Alright, while I look for my lawyer job, I've found a retail job. It gets me out of the house, and gets a little money in my pocket, but it also makes me want to pull my hair out.

So here are the top 5 things that make me crazy:

1. Working weekends in general and working on Black Friday (I start before 4 am!)

2. My commissioned coworkers who snap at me for talking to people (Please note: I am NOT trying to steal your sale, I will happily ring it up for you).

3. The same coworkers stealing MY sales!

4. The fact that I'm practically wearing all black all the time.

5. Wearing the same black loafers every day (I have yet to get to the point where tennis shoes and slacks is an option and high heels are completely out of the question).

Of course, there are some good things about my job. Aside from my coworkers being overly suspicious, they're generally pretty nice. My boss is pretty cool. I get a good discount. I'm learning a lot about various household appliances. And again, even though it's a pittance, I'm earning some money.

Sticking Points As Sleep Aids

So, every so often (okay fine most of the time), when writing you run into a dead end. The story is moving along, and then you come to a point where you can't seem to move forward.

To me this usually indicates that I need to focus on something else for a while, then come back to it. This usually works, but I can't really do that for NaNo, I need to just try and write through it, which means writing something that's more drivel than usual.

Anyhow. So last night, I'm laying in bed, thinking about a point where I'm stuck... and before I can come to any sort of possible resolution, or way to reverse and restart, I'm sound asleep.

What does it say that my own story puts me to sleep?

Yeah. I thought so.

The NaNo Struggle

This year, the website for NaNo seems to have changed tactics. It now appears to be about reaching the daily goal - 1667 - instead of the monthly goal - 50,000. The end goal is still the same, and if you only met the daily goal you'd hit the end goal, but the problem I have is that sometimes my words rhyme slow and sometimes they rhyme quick. (Alright so that's Nice n' Smooth's words, but the principle applies).

Some days I'm on a roll and write 2000 words without issue and somedays 500 words is a struggle. Last year, as long as you were on track for the month, you were being successful. So if I wrote 2500 words on day one and 850 words on day two, I was still successful. Now, it seems to be removed to a daily level, so if I write 2500 words on day one, and 850 words on day two, I'm on target for the month, but day two is considered an unsuccessful day for not making it to 1667.

I'm not sure that I like this. I liked that I could write ahead and take a day off, and now I don't feel like I can. at least not so early in the game. Bummer.

Prep work for NaNo

The goal of NaNoWriMo, as previously stated, is to write 50k words in the month of November. The goal is to write ALL of those words in November.
Knowing my own creative process - this is my prediction - I'll go along swimmingly for the first week or two, writing my 1666 per day, moving the story along. And then BOOM. Out of no where, the muse will disappear, or the plot will die out. So what can I do to prevent that?

What I've done this year, is something that is apparently called a "style sheet", which is basically a cheat sheet about each major character. This way, I won't fall off track trying to figure out bits and pieces like where the main character went to college (University of Washington for a while then transfered to Boston College), or how many siblings the disapparing boyfriend has (2 a brother and sister, both younger, but not substantially). This also gave me a chance to map out the main character's relationship tree, how she's related to others, be it friendship, romantically, biologically, or professionally.
Lastly, one of the things that happens to the main character is that she sees things. Not in an Alice Cullen sees the future sort of way, but in a flashes of 'what might have been' sort of way... so I have to sort those out.

Another Crack at NaNoWriMo

So I'm trying again for National Novel Writing Month. Fingers crossed that I make it through this year. But to start it off (I know I'm supposed to wait til November 1st to start writing, but I can't help it), here is the prologue. (It's only like 150 words - thus not really a drop in the bucket towards the word count.)

Tentative Title: All Who Wander

“Not all those who wander are lost.” J. R. R. Tolkien

Prologue

I sat up from a dead sleep when I heard the bedroom door open with a creak. I immediately patted the other side of the bed, looking to find my boyfriend of six months. He wasn’t there. As the light spilled in from the hallway, I could see him standing in the doorway.

“Where are you going babe?” I asked sleepily, as I rubbed my eyes.

“Go back to sleep Sweetheart,” he said softly.

“Okay. Love you.” I lay back down, and rolled over towards the side of the bed he had just vacated.

“I love you too,” he murmured.

I heard the click of the latch, as he shut the door, and nothing more.

That was the last time I saw Cole St. John.

***

So there you have it... the start of something new.

Top 5 Things That Are Better Cold

Yes I know, most food/drink items are designed to be served hot, or to be served cold, but there are a few that are designed to be served hot that I think are actually better cold, and here they are:

1. Sparta's pizza - the cheese coagulates and it's just blissful. This is not to say that it's bad hot (it's not at all), but it's just better cold.

2. Fried Chicken - Okay first of all, I think I like the fried better than the chicken, but either way, I still think it's better cold.

3. Some Chinese Food - not all chinese food of course - but really good potstickers are even better when they're cold

4. Lasagna - Okay this one may actually be a toss up. I love lasagna when it's fresh out of the oven and the cheese is all melty and bubbly, but it's also good when it cools and firms up and is so much easier to eat.

5. Fruit Pies - I know, all cream pies are meant to be served cold (makes sense), but most fruit pies can go either way, and in all honestly, while I love the smell of fresh baked apple pie... I really want it to get cold before I eat it. (Note: This does not mean that I would ever turn down hot apple pie, just if I had the choice, I'd probably take it cold.)

Did I miss any thing that is really better cold?

Show Me Love

I know that everyone is different. Different people express things in different ways. While I can appreciate that in an abstract nature (as a concept), I have a very hard time seeing it in practice.

I am very expressive when it comes to love/affection/emotion of any kind. I am all for hugs, tears, rants, and raves. I have no problem hugging people hello and goodbye, or telling my friends and family that I love them.

Not everyone expresses love that way. Being the neurotic person I am, together with everyone in my family being like me, and a large part of the people in my husband's family being like me, and most of my friends being like me, I have a hard time recognizing love or friendship if it's not shown the way I'm used to seeing it. If people don't act the way I would act then obviously we're not really friends.

Yes, I know, that makes NO SENSE AT ALL.

Well guess what. I'm wrong. And now, I'm a convert. It's been years, but now, I can see love in another way. Actions may actually speak louder, or if not louder, at least equally as loud, as words. Who knew?

The best show you've never seen

I'm a huge fan of TV on DVD. I love to watch episodes of shows, old and new, uncut, commercial free, and at my leisure.

This started long ago with a mid season filler on Fox called Keen Eddie. It's a police dramedy (drama + comedy), about a NYPD detective who screws up a huge drug bust and is sent to England to follow the drugs. The rest of the (short) season follows him trying to work his American detective style with the boys at Scotland yard. It stars Mark Valley (who you can currently find on Human Target... also on Fox) and Sienna Miller, and a whole cast of other Brits who are probably famous TV stars in England, but us crazy Americans have no clue who they are.

Lately I've discovered Half.com which is a great way to feed my TV on DVD addiction, because unfortunately a season of TV usually runs between 30 and 50 dollars, more if it's an HBO/Showtime show, and less if it's been out for years... or packaged into a series box set, whereas on Half you can get them for as little as 4 dollars.

I love the USA Network, most of my summer/midseason 'must watch' shows come from USA. Currently I watch Psych, Royal Pains and White Collar, but in the past I've also been a fan of Monk, The 4400 and best of all The Dead Zone. The Dead Zone is a TV series adaptation of a Stephen King book by the same name, starring everyone's favorite 80's geek Anthony Michael Hall. I finally tracked down Season 6 (the final season) on DVD a few months ago (for $8.99) and completed my collection. If you like slight sci-fi or just AMH, you should totally check this one out.

But I go on...

The best show you've (likely) never seen: Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip.

Studio 60 is a dramedy that originally aired on NBC. It was a new show the year of the writers strike, and thus was bounced on and off the air, and I think that's the reason it didn't make it past the first season. This show is a smart, witty, real show about a comedy sketch show. It doesn't typically show the sketches themselves, but it shows what the writers and executive producer, the cast members, and other various network execs go through. It's got an All Star cast, Matthew Perry (Friends), Bradley Whitford (The West Wing), Amanda Peet (The Whole 9 Yards), Steven Weber (Wings), and Timothy Busfield (Field of Dreams)... and whole bunch of other people.

I just finished watching the last episode on DVD today. Love this show. Best $8 I ever spent on a DVD.

If you've never tried TV on DVD, you should. You'll love it!

No longer fit for human interaction.

That's right, the bar exam has ruined my ability to hang out with people. I'm snarky and irritable, and that's on a good day. On a bad day, well, let's just say you don't really want to know.

I realized this last night. I had my mock exam yesterday (pure hell), and I was talking about it at the movies with my friends, (My ONE night off from bar prep, thanks to the mock exam). I made mention of one of the problems that I'd had trouble with, sort of blowing off the subject matter, and my best friend says something like "well the exam is only 4 weeks away now," implying that I really needed to learn that stuff. (Okay fine, maybe she wasn't meaning to imply it, but that's the way I took it.) It took pretty much everything I had NOT to tell her that I'd like to see her do it. Fine, you cram basic (applicable) knowledge of 22 subjects of law into you head, all of which have a million different subparts, and none of which you know for sure will be on the exam. Then come back and talk to me.

Now, she's a smart girl, way smarter than me, and I'm sure she could totally do it, but in no way did she deserve even my snarky thoughts. It's probably for the best that I didn't voice them, as I'm sure she would have told me to F off... and that frankly, I'm the one that made my bed... i've just got to suck it up and deal. And I know this, but please, I don't need to be reminded I need to learn the law.

But after that I realized, I'm not really fit for human interaction, so unless you're my husband (and I see you because I live with you), or in my bar prep class, I probably won't see you til after the bar. No offense, but it's probably for the better. I'm starting to think that the best way to maintain my non-law friendships is to just disappear until this whole mess is over.

The Last To Know... A rant

Why is it that one of the things I hate most in life is being the last to know?

Is it that I feel like I'm such a good friend that everyone should confide everything in me?

Is it that I'm such a gossip monger that I feel like it's my duty to know everything?

Is it that I fear there's some dreadful reason that I'm not told?

Is it merely that I don't like to be left in the dark?

Is it even that I hate being last to know?

Or is it simply another way to express my displeasure with surprise?

Whatever it is, I really don't like it. And honestly, the only thing worse than being last to know, is finding out either in a public forum (like myspace) or if it's bad news finding out in public so you can't even react. Although pretending to already know so you don't feel like a thicky isn't much fun either. It's too bad there's not a mind control device out there that makes people tell you things. Just random fyis... people just blurt them out. Hey... I quit my job six months ago... Hey... I'm getting married... Hey... I'm going back to school... Does anyone else thinks this would be a good idea? Okay fine... I accept that it's just me and I'm nosy. Like that's a shock.

Home Again

I hate moving. I've moved 3 times in the last three years, and now I'm ready to be done for quite some time. I think the worst part is... well all of it. I hate packing, I hate carrying boxes, I hate unpacking.

The best part is when it's done. Right now, it's no where near done, in fact, when I finish this blog, I'm going to go upstairs and unpack my clothes, so I don't have to worry about finding clothes to wear every morning. Then I'm on to fixing up my office.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get into my kitchen.

Welcome Home Fat Girl - the real world sucks.

One Week From Today...

I will be a law school graduate.

At times the last three years seems to have dragged on and on. But now, as the end is here, it feels like virtually no time has passed at all.

While I am excited to get home to my friends and my family, I will miss the new friends I have made. I didn't come to law school expecting to make new friends, well at least not ones I made life long bonds with... but that goes to show that one cannot predict the future.

This is a bittersweet time for me. I am so excited to be done, and happy to go home, and sad to leave my friends, all at the same time.

Lost In Translation

I watched the movie Fearless last night. It's a Chinese film starting Jet Li. It's in Chinese, with subtitles. I'm normally not one for subtitles, but this wasn't my choice, so here's what I noticed.

- There are some random quips that I would probably consider Western cliches. I know in translating, it's not verbatim, it's the gist of things, but I kind of wonder what the Chinese colloquialism would be.

- Some of the dialogue that is translated into one word answers (Yes/No) seem to be a lot longer than one word.

- When people were speaking English, they still had the subtitles up - this was towards the end of the film and it had me wondering, am I picking up Chinese? Or is that really English.

[Okay - I admit it, I watched this film late at night and after half a bottle of wine, NO I was not drunk, but I was nice and relaxed for the first time in ages]

Anyhow - this translation between Chinese and English got me to thinking about translation between men and women. I know I personally tend to over think EVERYTHING. I read things into places that they probably shouldn't be. I also tend to mean things I'm not saying when I say things. This is like the typical female meaning of the word 'fine' where nine times out of ten, the word fine does not in fact mean fine. (Ex: I'm fine - said in a cool tone with hard look in the eyes probably means exactly the opposite, no I am not fine, but I'm not going to tell you that, I'm going to hope that you pick up on that, then ask me about it.)

I know I'm not the only one guilty of doing this. I know tons of other women that do it. But do guys do it too? Or do they actually say what they mean and mean what they say? My husband likes to tell me to listen to the words that are coming out of his mouth, because that's exactly what he means, but even then, tone of voice, stance, and body language can contradict that.

Maybe I should get subtitles. Do you think they have an app for that?

Learning To Say No

This goes with the accommodation thing I think. I need to learn to say no to things.

My problem is that I say yes - when I want to say no, then I become passive aggressive about the situation. That's a real treat let me tell you.

This stems from a situation that arose yesterday. I invited two friends for dinner last night. It was set up days in advance, and I had the menu set and everything. Yesterday afternoon, as I'm leaving for a function that's going to keep me out until almost dinner time, I get a text from one of my friends asking to bring a guest.

Okay. There's plenty of food. That shouldn't be a huge problem, but to me it is. It's not that I don't want to meet a new person. It's that my house is barely "friends" clean, let alone "new people" clean, and I have NO TIME to clean it, because I'm on my way to cocktail party.

Plus, in addition to the messiness that consumes my apartment, I'm suddenly concerned that my meal of lasagna and garlic bread is not enough. Cooking for my friends here is like cooking for my family at home: I can get away with not serving side dishes, letting them serve themselves, and not setting the table. (We usually eat in front of the TV.)

Also, I'm not overly confident in my cooking skills. I know I can make a killer lasagna... but everything else is... touch and go. So I wasn't worried about my main course, but I made tiramisu for dessert, and I've only made it once before, so I was worried that it wouldn't turn out right.

I'm not really sure why it worries me to serve my cooking to some chick one of my friends picked up, that I'll never see again... but it does.

So looking back, I should have just said no. I know that it would have led to yet another cancellation - and probably tarnished my image as a cool girl, but it probably would have been worth it for the reduced stress level.

Apparently it's the next thing on my list to work on. Wish me luck.

Deep Thoughts on Friendship

I am admittedly an overly accommodating person.

I'm happy to do airport runs, omit ingredients I love when cooking for guests, buy desserts I don't like, drop what I'm doing to help out a friend, bend my schedule in favor of someone elses, re-watch shows on my DVR because someone couldn't watch it on the original airdate, go places I don't want to go, and do things I don't really want to do, pretty much anything and everything to help out a friend (or family member).

I'm not actually sure why I'm so accommodating. Part of me thinks that it's my upbringing. I'm the (relatively) easy going one in a family full of stubborn, opinionated people that like to get their way. (This isn't to say that I'm always easy going, I'm capable of stubborn, and I've definitely thrown a tantrum or two - but usually this isn't my first reaction.) And part of me thinks it's the mechanism I use to keep friends.

I have friends. I really do. But I honestly have no idea why they're friends with someone like me. Comparatively I'm absolutely blah. I'm friends with some amazing people: they're smart, they're funny, they're attractive, they're thoughtful and caring... pretty much some of the best people you could ever know. I, being none of those things, have no idea what I bring to any of my relationships, and thus to keep them, try my best not to upset the apple cart. (And how better to do that than just accommodate their every whims?)

Do I mind being accommodating? Not really. But occasionally, like today, the accommodation becomes too much - and I feel taken advantage of. (Is this the only reason people are friends with me?) Today I said I wanted to change it. Now I know it won't happen overnight - and I'll never completely stop being accommodating - but I need to learn curb it when it becomes apparent that my willingness to accommodate someone is being taken for granted.

(Also - this does not mean that everything I do is merely to be accommodating - if I'm REALLY against something I won't do it... I promise.)

Dessert, How I've Missed You

I had half of a delicious Napoleon for lunch today - amazing!

Last night - I had a root beer float - mmmm ice cream floating in soda

Yesterday Morning - I had a cookie for breakfast - that's right, consumed in bed even

Dessert is back with a vengeance!

A Lenten Recap

Did I make my Lenten resolutions this year?

HAHAHAHAHA! No.

This is the first year that I haven't made them though. And I'm going to go for unpredictable circumstances as to demolishing the dessert resolution.

I am a huge comfort eater. (that is not to say that I am huge and a comfort eater - [although - 'huge' may be up for debate] - I tend to eat when I'm upset.) Dessert is my comfort food of choice... and I made it all the way to the last week before I gave in to my needs, but in the last week, since Wednesday actually, I got my mum's will in the mail, which made me face parental mortality, and thus made me very uncomfortable (needed ice cream to cope), and rolled my car. (again, I needed ice cream to cope with that too. I'm okay for the most part - a little beat up and a little shaken, but it could be a whole lot worse. The car on the other hand... well it's a loss.)

So I almost made it. Were it not for the will, and the accident, I would have made it the whole way!

I guess I need to learn a better coping mechanism before I have issues like this again.

So Annoyed

You know how your mom always tells you that you should wear clean underwear in case of an accident?

I'm going to up that ante a little bit. You should always wear clean matching bra and panties in case your clothes are cut off of you.

And what's worse? The jeans I JUST got back into. The lovely Gap jeans that I haven't fit into for more than 2 years... yep - those were cut off me too.

I'm really annoyed. (Yes, I know, also grateful to be alive, but still).

An Amazing Feat

Today, I am comfortably in the jeans I haven't worn since fall of 2007!

I feel like dancing. It's more than just trying them on and having them fit, it's being able to wear them without being uncomfortable.

Now given the jeans are like 3 years old - they're hitting me in a funny spot (they ride up a little higher than my current jeans) - gotta love how styles change... but right now, I'm just happy to be able to fit into them.

Since the start of Lent I've lost 10 pounds. While it's not a ton, it's a start. And I've done it without starving myself or exercising myself into oblivion. (That's not to say that I haven't eaten less and exercised more...)

I owe one of my dear friends (the one that's been dragging me to the gym at 5:30 every morning) something shiny or something chocolatey.

But all in all, yay for me!

A Favorite Fat Girl Book - About Another Fat Girl

Book: Jemima J

Author: Jane Green

Genre: British Chick Lit

This is probably one of the first books in the genre that I ever read. The plot is typical of chick lit. Girl loves boy, boy doesn't know girl exists, girl does something drastic usually involving another boy, boy finally notices girl.

Part of the reason I love this book is that the main character is someone I can identify with - she's a fat girl. She seems to be blinded to her good qualities and only sees her weight. She struggles to fix what she perceives to be her problem... only to find out that's not really her problem. The story follows her journey, filled with a few twists and turns, good friends, and falling off the food wagon... ultimately ending where almost all Chick Lit ends... at happily ever after.

If you enjoy the genre - this is probably my favorite by Green (who's written a lot - the old stuff is great... the new stuff seems... to be a reincarnation of earlier works)

The Hypocrisy Is Strong In This One

I try really hard to have continuity in my opinions, I really do, but last night I found an inconsistency.

I think Tucker Max is hysterical. I KNOW that his stuff is outrageous and offensive, but I can't help it, I laugh so hard that I cry. In the movie version of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell there's a line about "Fat girls aren't real people" and I laugh, and find it humorous. Which is quite contrary considering my own status as a Fat Girl. You'd think I'd be offended on behalf of myself and others like me, but I'm not. I shake my head and say "Oh Tucker..." with a laugh.

So I think Tucker Max is funny, so what? How am I inconsistent?

Last night I was talking to a friend, about some girl he had a date with. The date went poorly and I didn't like the girl at all. (Yes I know that it seems random that I would meet a girl on his date... but it was an unusual circumstance. And yes I know, how I feel about the girl does not matter at all.) We were discussing the quickness of the set up and date... and apparently it had to be done in this time scale, and he couldn't meet her too far in advance because if he had met her earlier she'd be too fat for him to date! (apparently she lost like 50 pounds in the last month - and while I don't think he should date her, I'd like to know how she did that!)

Here's the hypocrisy, I'm offended on behalf of this girl (who I admittedly didn't like, but still). He should not date her because of several other qualities, but not because of her weight! Now this guy is one of my good friends, but I kind of want to kick him in the babymaker on behalf of fat girls everywhere!

How is that fair that I think the same basic concept is funny when it comes from Tucker Max, but not from one of my friends?

Yep - that's right - I'm a hypocrite.

Back In Time - The Prom

That's right - I went to prom last night.

That's right - they have prom in law school.

How did this compare to my prom 14 years ago? Let's see:

1996

Got my hair and nails done (professionally)

Purchased a Gown

Got a date

Went to a nice dinner with my date and our friends

Had pictures and danced

Had post party at my house with movies and munchies (one of the besties consumed an entire bag of BBQ Lays by herself)

2010

A friend did my hair and nails (looked professional)

Wore a gown I already had - thanks Mom's second wedding

Didn't have a date in the traditional manner

Had dinner, but given the cost of the event the food was not sufficient

Had pictures and danced

Had lots of booze and was a catty bitch

Had post party at my house with movie, wine and cheese

All in all about the same - but surprisingly more drama the second time around. And you wouldn't think you could top the drama that was my prom date being in love with his friend's girl friend. Apparently, you can. It's called one of your friends bringing a girl he'd met less than 24 hours before to the function instead. And me being a snotty cow about it - but that's probably a story for another time.

In Pursuit of the Dress - it fits!

That's right. It fits! I tried it on this morning, zipped it all the way up and everything.

An extra few pounds lost might make it more comfortable... but it fits.

YAHOO! *insert Fat Girl happy dance here*

And because of that - I am in a stellar mood today. STELLAR.

Oh and - just seeing how things were, I slid into an old pair of jeans that I haven't been able to fit into for about two years. Yep. Zip and button - slight muffin top, but then who knows if the love handles will ever fully disappear - I could totally wear them! (but I'm not.)

Today is a good day!

In Pursuit of the Dress - week two

Well - it has been determined that the dress I wanted to wear is in fact NOT FORMAL ENOUGH. (Great sadness). But on a weight-type note, this means that the formals that I currently own are actually slightly too big. (yay) So really I should be eating like a mad woman trying to gain enough weight to make the dresses fit. Instead, one of them is "close enough" and I will wear that... and keep going to the gym at way too early in the morning (Oh-dark-thirty is about right).

And I'm doing pretty good off the cheese as a snack, and off the coffee, at least all of last week... but now the coffee is back thanks to early morning basketball games which included coffee and doughnuts (and yes I did go nuts).

As to lent - still dessert free... and hating it. But less than two weeks!!!

In Pursuit of the Dress - week one

Life just keeps getting worse. I miss good food. It's bad enough not to get dessert (thank you Lent), but now to not get alcohol? Harsh!

I'm working hard at controlling what I eat, and how much of it, and getting my butt to the gym... but alas - progress is SLOW. After a week - I'm feeling pretty good (if not perpetually hungry), but not getting the results I want makes me consider what else to adjust.

Switching coffee to tea in the morning (I take cream and sugar in my coffee, but drink my tea black)

Cutting out cheese as a snack (okay to have it in things - but not on its own I guess)

We'll see how this goes - good thing my wine/cheese buddy is out of town this week.

Comprehension... Finally.

Does it ever seem to you like all of the world is talking about something you have absolutely no interest in?

This happens to me a lot. Most of my friends are the fit, healthy sort, so there's a lot of conversation about who runs for how long, or what kind of workouts they do, and sometimes even what they eat or don't eat, in a diet sort of manner. Now as a fat girl, these conversations make me very nervous. I'm always waiting for the inevitable, the conversation to turn to me... at which point I must say something akin to yeah I go to the gym and I try to eat right. Luckily for me, I have thus far managed to avoid these conversations. But right now, in my Damn That Little Black Dress state, I completely understand them.

In hopes of getting into the aforementioned dress I'm trying really hard to eat healthier (and less) and work out more, or at least on a regular basis. (I have a gym membership, but I tend to go in spurts. Five or six days in a row for a couple weeks, then once or twice a week, then once every couple weeks, then back to five or six days week thus perpetuating the loop.) So right now, that's kind of all that's on my mind. How much of this should I eat? How many calories did my morning constitutional burn? Which pilates DVD should I do? What should I do if all of this work doesn't cause me to lose any weight?

I've thus thrust myself into the throws of a conversation I don't want to have. Yikes. So if you see me, and I'm rambling about what I ate (or didn't eat as the case may be) and how much exercise I got, please smile politely, nod, and change the topic. PLEASE.

Damn That Little Black Dress

So as with all people, my weight fluctuates - from Fat Girl, to Really Fat Girl, to Not Quite So Fat Girl. Right now I'm probably at Fat Girl - and I'd like to back down to Not Quite So Fat Girl to get into this dress for an event.

This gives me 3 or so weeks to get rid of between 5 and 10 pounds. Now I know it's not impossible, but it probably means giving up even MORE stuff that I love, like wine, and cheese, and bread and going to spend more time at the gym. Now it's only for 3 weeks. But still 3 weeks without amazing deliciousness to compensate for all the hard work at the gym might just kill me.

Is it worth it?

I don't know - I'll let you know in about a week - we'll see how far I've gotten by then, and how miserable I am.

One of the Lenten Resolutions has bitten the dust

That's right - one of my Lenten Resolutions has been officially defeated. Care to guess which one?

Nope - I still haven't had dessert.

However today I voiced my frustration with 'others'. The sad thing about it is that I didn't even realize it until I was called on it.

Now the real question is do I pick myself up and get back on the Lenten horse, or do I let this one go, and focus on the giving up dessert.

I suppose we'll see. After all, tomorrow is another day.

The New Book Club Idea

So the besties and I have started a new book exchange program. We each pick a book, read it, and make notes in it while we read it, then pass it along.

My first book is Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer.

I've just started, and let me tell you, it's a weird feeling to actually write in a book (that's not a textbook of course). But I got it used on half.com for $3.10 - so I don't feel too bad. I'm a few chapters in, and so far it's so good!

I'm really excited to see how this turns out for all of us!

Almost blew Lent - accidentally

So yesterday, I'm sitting in class, and the girl sitting next to me pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies. She asks if I want one and the first thing I say is "Sure!"

She opens the bag, and I reach out to get one, only to stop seconds before the cookie is in hand to realize NO I can't have a cookie!

It's amazing how quickly one can forget things.

Please sir may I have another?

Alcoholically I'm a late bloomer.

Don't get me wrong, I did my share of college drinking. But I never appreciated beer until my late 20s, and still like a good fruity drink. [Yes Carrie Underwood, I am one of those girls that can't shoot whiskey]. And while my drink of choice is a Vodka Tonic, I'm not actually sure that I like them all that much. I didn't get into wine until law school, and even now, I like red a lot, and don't like white at all, and have no problem drinking $10 wine from the grocery store.

Where am I going with this? Here: I drink a lot more now than I did when I started law school.

Prior to law school my drinking was limited to the occasional cocktail with dinner, or celebratory parties where everyone ended up trashed (New Years, 4th of July, Halloween, etc).

Now? I've at least one drink for the past 4 nights.

Does this bother me? Not really. But I will concede that I am a light weight. Three drinks (two if they're doubles or heavy beers) and I'm toasty warm, and shouldn't drive, more than that... and well, overly affectionate Fat Girl comes out to play.

So what sparked this post? The following story:

Thursday night I'm out for trivia with friends. We're at a bar, so I get a Vodka Tonic (a single in a double glass - which means extra tonic, and it takes me longer to drink it). I have my drink - and get a mild ration of crap from one of my friends. Just giving me a teasing hard time, I'm used it, no big. But it really pissed off my other friend. (A rant about why should X give a crap about how much I drank - I wasn't drunk and I wasn't driving).

So Saturday night, I'm out with the teasing friend at a function and I have a glass of wine (one, when we got there at like 6:00 - we didn't leave til 8:30 and between the wine and leaving I consumed food, soda, and a bottle of water) and when we're leaving I a get the whole "Do I need to drive?" speech.

Now, I know this is again meant in jest - because I mentioned the other friend's annoyance at the first hard time. But i wasn't even showing faux signs of being drunk (I wasn't being loud, or affectionate, or giggly, or finding immature things funny).

But now I'm self conscious. I don't want it to be one of things that I'm sensitive about (I already have enough sore subjects), but I also don't want to be teased every time I have a single drink.

And I don't want to be one of those people who can't have drinks around certain people.

Gah - I hate letting stupid teasing get to me. But my personal feeling on teasing is - if it's the same thing over and over again, there's probably something serious behind the teasing.

Anyhow - for now I guess I'll just ignore it, and ask for another drink.

Lent - Weekend One

I'm officially past the first weekend. For me, weekends are the hardest part. I tend to be a boredom eater - and those snacks tend to be sweet treats.

This weekend I managed to keep myself busy with a variety of things:

Friday:

Happy Hour with some people from school

Watching Anchorman with friends*

Late night karaoke with the above mentioned friends

Saturday:

A dog walk for public service hours

A "social" for a group I belong to*

Sunday:

Long lines for basketball tickets

Yoga

Dinner and a movie with friends*

So what the heck is the asterisk for? Those are events that tested my dessert will power. Friday night it was a stop at the local grocery store for ice cream (which I did not get any of). Saturday night it was a buffet of desserts after dinner. (Again, I did not partake, but I did ask the friend that I attended with to describe the brownie he was consuming. And then he speared the last bite and offered it to me.... very tempting... but I resisted)

Last night doesn't really deserve a whole asterisk, but I got to watch a friend sit and consume amazing looking ice cream straight from the container... and not have any.

I think that every place I go for the next 6 weeks should just serve cheesecake for dessert. I can avoid that without a problem. Or be a morning event so I can have a doughnut for breakfast and not worry about it.

More updates to come.

Lent - Day One

When quitting anything, they always say that the first day is the hardest. I think it depends on what the thing you're quitting is.

Since I'm quitting dessert, something I don't have EVERY day, the first day may not be the hardest.

Was it hard?

Yes.

I had a craptastic day yesterday, and all I really wanted to do when I got home at 9:15 last night was comfort myself with a sugary treat, preferably a Little Debbie's Frosted Fudge Stick.

Did I do it?

No. I did however pace my kitchen for a good ten minutes trying to find something else to satisfy my craving.

Did I find something?

No.

I'm hoping today is easier. I made it through yesterday, but on a worse day, I may not have.

Fingers crossed that this works.

As for disparaging remarks - I managed to make no disparaging remarks about others - I did however make several about myself... but thankfully I didn't give up self loathing for lent :)

Lentien Resolutions

It's that time of year again... that's right the time that my Jesuit School educated self gives up something for Lent in an attempt to build some character.

The first year I was here (here being law school) I gave up soda. It was difficult mainly because while I don't drink soda all that often, I usually keep some in the house because sometimes I crave the carbonation. Yes, I know that's weird, but some nights I wake up in the middle of the night dying for a soda. It doesn't happen to me all that often, maybe once or twice a month, and sometimes not at all, but it happened to me three times during that Lent season, and I struggled through it, but it was rough.

The second year I was here I gave up coffee. You can read through my blogs from that time last year, for the full story, but I will sum up with two things. One - I am way more addicted coffee than soda. Two - I woke my husband up early Easter morning for "coffee day" to go restart my coffee addiction. (Yes, it was very bad).

This year I am giving up two things. The first is dessert. Not the treat you eat late at night, but rather the foods one typically eats as a treat. Cake, pie, ice cream, candy, and cookies. This also includes all variety of things not listed. The one glaring exception to this list is the doughnut, because the doughnut is not a dessert, it is a breakfast food. Now here is the true extent of my belief in that statement: Yesterday, I met one of my besties at a doughnut shop for breakfast. I purchased one doughnut for breakfast and two doughnuts for later (The breakfast was chocolate cake with frosting and sprinkles, and the laters were both bacon maple bars). Last night I really wanted to eat the bacon maple bar - but if I ate it last night, it would be dessert, and even though lent hasn't started yet (tomorrow) I saved the doughnut for breakfast this morning to preserve it's breakfast food status.

On the whole I am a huge fan of dessert. I have always been a dessert person. I have a major sweet tooth, and find myself craving something sweet after dinner on a daily basis. This is going to be hell.

The second thing I'm giving up has the potential to be either way easier or way harder. I'm giving up voicing my frustrations with 'others'. This a really bad habit I have, if someone does something to upset me or bother me, I tend to share it. This is a recent decision, it hit me yesterday at breakfast (thanks Bestie!), but I'm going to give it a try. It's not fair to let my frustrations or annoyances color the views of others. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and they are also entitled to have opinions not influenced by me.

So there you have it... my lentien resolutions. So if you see me in the next 40+ days, offer me some fruit to fix the sugar craving and if I start bitching about 'others' tell me to STFU (shut the *f* up).

Things From My Mother

Those that know me know that I'm a total Daddy's Girl. But as I stood in my kitchen making lunch, I realized that I got quite a bit from my mom too, and I never really give her credit for that... so here goes a list of things (traits, habits, likes, etc) I got from my mom.

- Putting potato chips on my tuna sandwiches (that's what inspired this)

- Putting French fries on my cheeseburgers from McDonalds

- A love of avocados

- A love of baked brie

- Making cookies at Christmas time

- The knowledge that a woman can do ANYTHING

- My big toes (as in the first toe - not that my toes are big)

- The love of a good book

- Tea and toast (although I drink my tea black, and she takes her with cream)

- Always leave extra on the beaters (for individual raw consumption) when making cakes and cookies

- An appreciation for the real estate industry

To be fair to the other side, here's a list of things I got from my father:

- The ability to handle tools

- A love of Blue Cheese

- An appreciation for the blues

- Some of the curl in my hair

- Cutting waffles on the lines (and filling every hole with syrup)

- An affinity for games (both board and card)

- A love of Perry Mason

- An appreciation of floor plans

- Enjoyment from entertaining

There you have it - there's probably more, but for the most part, the rest of it is me.

Update to Boys and Girls CAN Be Friends!!!

Apparently I was mistaken in regards to the first instance of mistaken couplehood. Accordingly it occurred months before at one of my functions with my friends.

This was pointed out by one of my very good friends, to which I say: Thanks Asshole. Way to make me feel worse!

Boys and Girls CAN Be Friends!!!

Okay, this has now happened to me more than once, so it officially gets a blog post:

What's so wrong with boys and girls being friends?

I enjoy having friends of the opposite sex. In fact, as I've probably already stated, I think everyone should have both male and female friends. The perspective is totally worth it.

Why must the assumption always be that the boy and girl are 'more than friends'?

Now, I will admit that when I've imbibed a bit too much, I'm prone to being overly affectionate. This goes for boys and girls alike, married or single. I am one of those girls that kisses EVERYONE at midnight on New Years Eve. But the last two times someone has asked if I was in a relationship with one of my guy friends, I've been completely sober. Both situations have been larger functions where I'm along to keep company, and in neither case was I even being touchy. (I am relatively affectionate with out the influences as well, but more along the arm linky vein, as opposed to the huggy/kissy vein).

The first time I was sitting NEXT to my friend and we were having a conversation. We were merely sitting side by side on a bench. Not even overly close together I don't think.

This time I was at a party and we both stopped to talk to someone. We were wandering around, in fact we didn't have our arms linked nor were we walking side by side, I was following behind him as he cut a path towards where we were going.

Now, I actually find this stuff funny for the most part. Except that it could be problematic in the future. And I seriously wonder what it is that I'm doing to make people think I'm with someone. (When it's not obvious behavior... like public displays of affection.) I've been married for the last six years, and I really have no desire to worry that every time I'm out with a guy that's not my husband (as he lives quite a ways away at the moment) people will think I'm having an affair!

What am I missing here? Do I need a pair of tee shirts that say "Not A Couple" to be worn by myself and whatever male friend I'm out with at any given time?

I'd really like to ask what made these people jump to the 'couple' conclusion, but in both situations the assumers were very embarrassed, and I don't think I can put them back in that spot and ask. If it's merely attending a function, I'm going to be very annoyed. (That's not a fixable one in my book).

Yet Another Batch Of Things Off The List

That's right, it's been a while since I've done a list update... so here it is for your viewing pleasure.

12/29 - Try Sushi. I was home over break and had lunch with a Dear Friend. He was in the mood for sushi so away we went... I actually enjoyed it. I even managed to get my mind over the matter of raw fish, and enjoyed some of the locally named rolls. (It was Salmon, Cucumber and Avocado). I'd definitely be willing to have it again, and can see why it's addictive.

1/08 - Finish Watching Lois and Clark. I've had all four seasons of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman for several years now. I watched the first two seasons as soon as I got them, but for some reason never got around to the later seasons. (Or rather, I'd go through phases and watch an episode or two here and there). Well finally, before I started back to school this semester I had the time to watch the last portion of Season Four. I watched probably 12 episodes in two days... and now I'm done.

1/22 - Learn To Make A Cosmo. Cosmos have been my favorite cocktail for years. I don't drink them very often anymore because frankly, they're expensive. (I tend to stick to the cheaper, less sweet, Vodka Tonic). But I've always wanted to learn to make one. I knew it was vodka and cranberry juice, and a wedge of lime, but I had no clue what else. So I finally looked up a recipe, made a list and made a trip to the liquor store. (In addition to the above mentioned ingredients you also need lime juice and triple sec). Made them, made a mess (some how I managed to get all the way to... well an aged state, and never obtained a cocktail shaker). They turned out delicious, and one of my friends bought me a cocktail shaker so I can make them easier next time.

Recipe:

1 ounce Vodka

1/2 ounce Triple Sec

1/2 ounce Lime Juice (Rose's(R) is the recommended brand, but I think any variety will do)

1/2 ounce Cranberry Juice

Wedge of Lime (for garnish)

(Here's where I found the recipe: http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink234.html)

Shake over ice and strain into happy glass.

NOW - here's what I did, finding it a little too strong - I doubled the cranberry juice - tasted much better then... but for purists (and plagiarism purposes) I'll leave the original recipe in tact.

1/22 - Make Tiramisu. I love tiramisu, it's probably my favorite Italian dessert (next gelato of course), I'm not sure how it ended up on my list of things to do... but it did. So I had people over for dinner last Saturday, and I decided to make lasagna. (Lasagna is my fail-safe dinner entree - I've made it a billion times, and I get lots of compliments on it.) What goes better with an Italian entree than an Italian dessert? (If your answer to this question is Nothing goes better! then we're on the same page.) So I began my hunt for the perfect Tiramisu recipe. Watch out if you go in search of your own, there are a lot of them out there.

One of my friends recommended this recipe: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Tiramisu-II/Detail.aspx

I used it for a few reasons. First, it was recommended by someone that had made it and liked it. Second, there aren't that many ingredients. And third, the eggs in the recipe are cooked. [I don't have a problem with raw eggs, I could live off cookie dough if given the chance, but one of my friends that was coming to dinner has an aversion to them.]

So I looked at the recipe and made my shopping list. The instructions from the recommender were to double the coffee and the rum... so I kept that in mind. I found everything I needed (except the booze of course) at my local Safeway. So here are my tips if you decide to make this recipe for yourselves.

1 - You need two packages of lady fingers (I bought them in the Safeway bakery).

2 - I used Bel Gioioso's Tiramisu Mascarpone (It's got a slight coffee flavor to it already). You might want to leave it out on the counter to soften before you try to incorporate it with the cooled egg custard.

3 - The egg thing seems a little scary at first, but as long as you keep them moving it's really no problem. But put them in a bigger bowl that you would think to cool, it makes it easier to add the mascarpone later.

4 - I used Disarrono (an Amaretto liquor) instead of rum... because frankly I don't really like rum, and I thought the Disaronno might give a better flavor. (If you don't want to buy a whole bottle - I sure didn't - I just used one of the little 'nips' from the liquor store - it's a little more than a quarter cup)

5 - Definitely double the coffee and booze that gets poured over the lady fingers - I would suggest dividing it in half before starting to pour though. I didn't use enough on the bottom layer, wanting to make sure I had enough for the top layer, then couldn't use it all on the top. There is no way to get back to that first layer of lady fingers once the layers of custard and whipped cream are in place.

6 - Let it sit overnight before serving. The recommender told me this, and I adhered. I made the dessert Friday afternoon and served it Saturday night. The wait really gives the ladyfingers time to absorb the flavors.

7 - I was also told that shaved chocolate worked just as well as cocoa powder - I didn't try that because well, I don't want to deal with the rest of the chocolate bar - but I would start with less powder than the recipe calls for, and add more if needed to cover. I had the top heavily dusted with cocoa powder - couldn't even see any whipped cream - and still had a bunch left in my sifter.

All in all it was a success - everyone enjoyed it. Even one of my friends who was annoyed that I made it, because he didn't like it. [Yes I am very accommodating and would normally take that into consideration - but this time the other guest's love for tiramisu won out] Apparently he likes it now.

I will probably make this again.

So here we are - January 2010 - Four months til graduation, and I've gotten another four things off my list! Go me!

The Radio Is Out To Get Me

So everyone knows there are certain songs I hate... this morning they all seemed to be there.

First, Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight - hello marching band flash backs. Now I have plenty of stories that happily start at "This one time at Band Camp," and most of my band memories are good, but at 8:00 am, they're still too much for me to handle.

Next, Boston's More Than A Feeling - I know you're all thinking, but Fat Girl, you love that song. You're right. I do. But I like it so much that I decided to say and listen to it instead of leaving for class.

Last, Tears For Fears' Everybody Wants To Rule The World - I loathe this song. The ONLY time it's acceptable is at the end of Real Genius, and that is because of the copious amounts of popcorn. Now I know this is my fault, because had I left on time (during Boston) I would not have heard this song)... but still... I think the radio is out to get me.

Death At A Funeral - A Rant and a Rave

Death At A Funeral is a British black comedy that came out in the summer of 2007. I first learned about this movie while at the theatre to see what turned out to be a very bad movie. The preview for this movie was funnier than the every single second of the movie I paid to see.

Unfortunately, when the movie finally came out, it was only in limited release, so I kind of forgot all about it. (It did not come to a theatre near me!) Fast forward to December of 2009 - I'm shopping with one of the besties and hanging on the theatre wall is an enormous poster for Death At A Funeral - coming in spring of 2010. That can't possibly be the same movie, can it? Those are all American actors. I IMDB it. Sure enough it's a remake of the 2007 film. Why the hell do they need to remake a film that was just made? It was made in English - it's not like it was a foreign film that needed translation!! I'm speechless in frustration. I immediately (well when I get home) email one of the friends that saw the horrible movie with me, and thought that Death At A Funeral looked funny... sharing my outrage at the situation with him.

Oddly, I get a response straight away (He's one of those that can take a while to respond - a day, a week, a month, never). He's just as outraged as I am! (Yay for vindication). But in his case it's worse - he has a copy of the movie and has never seen it. I, being overly eager as usual, email him back right away - do you still have the movie? Do you want to watch it together?

No answer. (To this day - more than a month later - no response on that email. No big, honest, I'm pretty used to it... at least on this front). Knowing that was a likely possibility, as soon as I sent the email, I sent another email to another friend. Add this movie to your Netflix queue - please. Done.

So now - a month later (took a while to bump it around in the queue and such), last Thursday in fact, the friend that Netflix'd the movie for me tells me that it's in. He doesn't seem particularly interested in watching it - that's fine I have odd taste in movies, so I ask him to bring the movie to our shared class Friday morning. I have one class Friday morning, then all day to watch a movie if I want. That's fine, it's a plan. I get to class - no movie - he forgot. So I ask about getting it from him later, and he says he'll bring it over Friday night and we can watch it together - it'll be late (9ish) but that's fine. I've got other stuff I can do during the day. As I'm heading out for happy hour, I get a text from him that he can't make it. (I'm starting to get the feeling that the Gods don't want me to see this movie.) Do I want to come get the movie? No I don't bloody want to come get it, I'm leaving for happy hour! So I grit my teeth and text him back, telling him that it's fine... he's coming for dinner Saturday night, just bring the movie with him. If he decides NOT to come to dinner just to send it with our mutual friend who I knew would be coming for dinner.

So later Friday night, I confirm that he's bringing the movie Saturday, and ask if he's planning to watch it with me. The answers are both in the affirmative. Great.

Saturday night rolls around, and he shows up for dinner with the movie around 5:30... we have dinner, one of our other friends comes over for dessert. A couple people leave, and I ask about watching the movie. The friend that came over for dessert isn't really interested - British Comedy kinda bugs her. The friend that told he was going to watch it with me, tells me he's not going to stay for the movie. I sigh deeply and try to control myself. (It doesn't work very well).

Great - so I'm going to watch this movie alone. Clearly this movie and I have some issue. But for some reason, my friend that doesn't like British Comedy decides to stay and watch for a few minutes... I'm pretty sure it's purely out of pity for me. (I bet I looked pretty damn pitiful at that time - I mean I originally intended to watch the film by myself - but then I got excited about watching it with someone - and then got disappointed). She ended up staying for the whole thing and enjoying it!

ANYHOW - So I finally got to watch the damn movie. And my review of it is a RAVE!

It stars Matthew MacFayden, who you probably know as Mr. Darcy from the latest incarnation of Pride and Prejudice (the one with Keira Knightley), Alan Tudyk who is currently in the almost finished Fox series Dollhouse, and Kris Marshall, who we all know best as Colin Frissel in Love Actually. (And plenty of other people, but these are the ones I recognized from other things).

IMDB says it's a story about a family that puts the F U in funeral.

I loved it. I thought it was super funny. It starts off with the people from the funeral home bringing the wrong body to the funeral... and goes down hill from there.

I will probably buy this movie eventually. I will also probably boycott the American version. I don't see the need for a remake - it's not like the British accents are hard to understand (they all appear to be upper class Brits - you know with the posh accents).

Anyhow - if you're looking for something random and funny watch Death At A Funeral. I'm pretty sure you'll laugh.

Falling off the wagon...

Well tonight my first new years resolution hit the floor. Go with the flow. Yep - it's official. I cannot go with the flow.

I'm not a rigid person for the most part - but I hate having my plans changed. I TRY to be accommodating, but tonight I was pushed past my limit.

Now nothing major happened, but it was just the situation. And part of me feels like I over reacted (I probably did), but part of me also feels the old adage, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I tend to take responsibility for a lot of things, regardless of whether or not they're my fault. I can rationalize most things into being my fault, this one included. But it doesn't mean I'm any less frustrated.

For some reason, today I feel like I'm being tested. Let's see how far we can push Fat Girl before she snaps. I don't really snap though. I shatter. It rarely happens, I can take a lot, but right now, I'm kind of at that point... even the tiniest thing could be THE THING that blows up my whole world.

I guess I really can't go with the flow.

Is 'No' really that hard to say?

So part of my frustration yesterday stemmed from being ignored instead of just told "no."

I'm not sure if it's me as the recipient or if it's the other people... but I'm tired of having to assume that silence means no.

Don't get me wrong - that is a perfectly logical conclusion to draw. I'm just tired of continually having to draw the conclusion.

I'm the first to admit I have a hard time saying no myself. I tend to do things that I shouldn't do (based on time or money constraints) because I didn't say no. But for the most part, these are things I WANT to do. Do I want to hang out with my friends instead of study for my 9 am class? Of course! Should I have said no? Probably.

So I'm not sure why people don't say no. Do they assume that by ignoring the phone call/email/text message, it will be like it never existed? Do they think my feelings (or feelings in general) are so fragile that I will fall apart at the mere hint of a no? Do they think they'll get the Spanish Inquisition at a no, and thus have to come up with some elaborate story for not wanting to do something? Is that word just missing from their vocabulary? Who knows.

Can I do anything about this? No. I've tried... with additions to emails like 'let me know either way' or 'it's no big deal if you can't' but those don't seem to help either. But honestly is it really that hard to respond to an email with 'sorry I can't' or 'no thanks'? I promise I'm not going to ask why not, I might say 'boo' or 'sad' but I'm not going to give a guilt trip, and I'm not going to throw a tantrum. Hell, I may even let you have the last word on the subject.

Fat Girl and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Okay, I know, it's actually Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day - but today it feels fitting. After all, it is one of my favorite books ever... and today was just one of those days.

Alexander went to bed with gum in his mouth, and woke up with it in his hair, not me. I went to bed with wet hair, and woke up with my unruly curls rioting everywhere. And of course - I woke up late. Or rather, I didn't wake up late, but I refused to get out of bed until 8 am. Which is well and good, but I have class at 9:00. This laziness sets off a chain of events. Because I refuse to get out of bed, I don't get a shower to tame the curls (besides, I took one last night), I also don't get time to eat an entire english muffin, or drink a full cup of coffee.

I get to class, and the power cable for my laptop is being persnickety and won't charge (I think I need to replace it, but who has the time or money for that).

Aside from that - my day looks up, I only have 3 hours of class today, and they're all in a row... and I know the answers to the professor's questions in the first class, and the professors in the second class let us out 25 minutes early.

That's where my luck ends. I get out of class to 4 text messages from my husband, all very annoyed. Which causes me to call him, and get in a snark with him over something stupid and petty... not fun. Then I have to go to the post office to mail something to him, and there are a million people in line and I get a cardboard cut on my finger (like a paper cut times 20!). After that I get to go home to fight with the cable company - they insist that I have a username and password set up, I insist that I don't.

I try to make my day better by having lunch with a friend. Except my food is bland, and not providing the comfort that it's supposed to, and the company is only mildly assuaging my frustration.

My afternoon goes better - happier results with the cable company... and I get to go to yoga... who doesn't love yoga? But today yoga leaves me feeling unfulfilled, and unrelaxed. I want to beat the crap out of things - but I'm not really that type of girl.

I get home from yoga to find an email from earlier still unanswered... and that just incites the rage all over again. I have the urge to shout from the rooftops - "SAYING NO IS BETTER THAN GIVING NO ANSWER!!!!" not that it will do me any good... but still.

I think I'm going to go to bed early, and try this again in the morning. And if it's not better... maybe I'll move to Australia.

Ex Post Edito

One of the things I would most like to do in life is to find the ability to edit myself better.

I am huge with the over share - I just get to talking, and tell people way more than they want or need to know.

I will call the process Ex Post Edito - as an homage to law school and Ex Post Facto laws. [ Ex Post Facto laws (in case you don't know) are laws that are created after something has occurred that retroactively modify the status of the prior action. (Crude example - in utopian society there is no such thing as murder, thus not a crime and no punishment for that action - a murder occurs and an ex post facto law would be one that made that murder a punishable offense - I think) ]

Now I've solved this problem in gmail with the "Undo" feature. The undo feature gives me 10 seconds to retract an email before it goes to the recipient for good. Therefore I can say all the stupid crap I want, hit send and realize (very quickly) oh crap! and fix it.

I just need a way to do this for things I say aloud. All suggestions are welcome.

Hello Pot, it's Kettle, you're black

(attribution where it's due - the title of my blog is from an episode of Friends)

I was at a birthday party last night, having a conversation with one of my besties about names, or rather terms of endearment. I realized this morning that I'm pretty hypocritical about them.

My husband calls me babe or baby, but nothing else... someone else (two of them actually) called me "honey" and I decided I don't really like that term. It feels condescending to me. "Aww Honey..." like that. Even if it's not said like that. It makes me feel... annoyed.

Now I have plenty of nick-type-names. Plays on my name and other random names from way back. Those don't bother me at all. But for some reason Honey does. And I realize that 'Darlin' is my endearment of choice, which is pretty damn similar to 'Honey' - so knowing how I feel about this, and that not all people feel the same way I do, if I call you Darlin' and it bugs you, please feel free to let me know.

And as a resolution update - I am currently letting someone else have the last word - it is very hard, but I am persevering. I've read two non-school books this year. But I've only been to the gym 3 times a week so far - I'm hoping to fix this next week when I'm back in a routine, and in one place for the entire week.

Back in the Swing of Things

I'm officially back in school. Welcome back to the land of having a schedule. However, it's a law school schedule, so it's a little wonky.

Without further ado here it is:

I have 5 classes - 12 credits. One class Mon & Wed from 10:30 to 11:45 - yes I think it's odd to start the class on the half hour. One class Tues & Fri from 9:00 to 9:50. One class Tues from 10:00-11:50, one class Wed from 6:00 to 7:50, and one class Mon, Wed, Thurs from 5:00 to 5:50.

That's right - no two days are the same. And today I have one class at 5:00, and possibly a make up class at 6:00, because that's right, my prof didn't show up for my 6:00 class last night.

The new semester is always hard to get back into. Especially in spring because of all of the long weekends, and the way the school rotates the days of the week around to make sure all classes are missed evenly. (Next week, no class on Monday, but Wednesday is a Monday class schedule.) But soon enough, I will be back into a routine, and to be honest, I can't wait. All this time on my hands kind of kills me.

But for now, I will enjoy the fact that I had the time to make muffins for breakfast this morning. Then go to the gym like a good girl.

Impending Doom

Do you ever get the feeling that something is just not right?

That's been happening to me a lot lately. I've been in situations where I get a momentary feeling of unease. Like something's coming, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

This isn't the feeling that you get when you walk into a room and it's suddenly it's quiet and you know that prior to your arrival you were the topic of conversation. This is a more subtle feeling. Maybe not even a full feeling, but just a glimmer of a feeling.

It sounds really random I'm sure, but I just have this feeling that something is out there, lurking just beyond the horizon, just waiting to strike.

If it does, I'll let you know.

The Last Word

I had breakfast with one of my besties this morning, and the topic of correspondence came up. Most people know that my biggest pet peeve is people that don't return communication. I've said it before, I'll say it again, it bugs the crap out of me when people can't be bothered to return a simple phone call, email or text message. Hell I'm not even picky about how it comes back to me! But for the most part if I ask a question I want an answer. How hard is that?

So I was ranting about this to her this morning, and she started to tease me. Something to the extent of 'maybe you don't get a response because then the cycle would never end. You know you always like to have the last word.'

WHAT?!?!

'You texted me 'K' the other day.'

Oh yeah.

I do like to have the last word. It's not that I mean for it to be the last word, just that if you took the time to send me something, I feel like I should at least acknowledge that I got your message. Right?

Maybe not.

So in addition to the list below, I'm adding another resolution. To give up the last word. Not in all cases mind you... but at least a recognizable portion of the time. So in the next year, if you think I haven't answered you for some reason, know that I am not ignoring you, I'm just letting you have the last word.