It's resolution time....

That's right, the new year is upon us, and thus it is time to make the obligatory list of things I will or will not do in 2010.

To make it interesting, I'll post the list here - then tell you exactly when I fail... you can see exactly how long it takes this fat girl to lose her resolve.

1. Read two non school book chapters per day (6 days per week) - Now for readers this doesn't sound like a lot, but in addition to legal text, it can sometimes be weeks between the time that I pick up actual books. I used to be really good at reading before bed, and lately I'm up too late and fall into a deep slumber before I can read. I also tend to read for fun in spurts. An entire book in two days (or less) then not at all for months. The main purpose behind this one is actually to help me get through some of my "must reads." (Must reads are the books that I feel people should read, myself included, but I still have a hard time getting through.) This is one sure fire way to make sure I actually get through Mansfield Park and Catch 22. [Caveat, I know things happen making every day a likely impossibility thus I have only set it for 6 days a week - I wonder if it's cheating to bank the extra days now so I can take a full week off in the future...]

2. Give up something for Lent - This year I'm giving up dessert type foods for Lent. In the past I've done coffee and soda, this year will be a real challenge, I'm sure I'll blog about it a lot when the time comes.

3. Go to the gym 4 times a week - this one starts out well and good, but real life gets in the way quickly. When I started my gym membership in September I went 5 or 6 days a week, for a month, without any problems, but then work got busy, school got busy, and I got sick... and by the end of the semester I was down to 1 or 2 days a week for yoga... my goal is to not let that happen, at least until finals season.

4. Learn to go with the flow - As you know, per my prior post, I'm a pretty uptight person when it comes to certain things. Mainly communication and plans, but sometimes random other things... my goal is to learn to let go a little bit, and not get so upset or frustrated when things don't go according to plan, or don't go at all.

5. Get more things off my Law School to do list. Somethings I know I won't finish (like getting my motorcycle endorsement - but that's a money thing) but there are still plenty of things I can do such as: Try Sushi, Read Northanger Abbey, Go To A Concert (MUSE w/Bestie can't wait), Make Tiramisu, Write A Fan Letter, Go To [name redacted] for Dancing, and Learn To Make A Cosmo.

6. Become more aware of the world around me - yep this one is the lame better myself one. I HATE the news. I find it sad and depressing. However, it is my goal in 2010 to force myself to read and or watch the news. I'm tired of never knowing what's going on, not in a personal sense, but in a social setting when I'm feeling like a fool because I have no clue what's going on. It's time to grow up and fix that. There are many necessary evils in life, and this is one of them.

Well I think that's all for now. These are the major ones, I'm sure are there several minor ones... but I haven't thought of those yet.

Can you feel the loathe tonight?

That's right, I'm feeling the loathe right now. Some people feel the love, not me, I feel the loathe.

According to Merriam Webster, to loathe is defined as " to dislike greatly and often with disgust and intolerance."

Alas, most of the time it's the self-loathing variety, which is preferable to being the target of someone else's loathing, but annoying just the same.

Why do I feel the loathe? you may ask. Several reasons.

1) I seem to have forgotten how discretion works. I never really think about it until it comes back to bite me. Today it came back to bite me. Tell one friend one thing about another friend, and have the second friend ask you about it. I guarantee you'll feel uncomfortable enough to put your guard back up. Even if it is something completely innocent. The thoughts of what else it could have been are just too tormenting to risk it.

2) I can't get out of my own head. The words come from others, and I know they're not meant to stay as permanent residents, but somehow, they do. I roll them around, dissecting them well beyond their actual meaning. By the time I'm done, I'm so worked up that the speakers meaning and intentions have been very misconstrued. I impose my self deprecating thoughts on the words of others. I interpret everything to be shaded by my opinions of myself. Or rather, what I think other peoples opinions of me should be.

3) I allow myself to be upset and annoyed by the hypothetical and the possible - knowing full well what ever it is may or MAY NOT actually happen. I don't know what it is, I just can't stop it.

4) It's not even New Years yet, and I already feel like one of my resolutions won't make it. (The one that says be less neurotic and learn to go with the flow) What kind of stamina and will power is that?

5) I have to share my discontent, for myself and others, with others. I can't just keep it in that I'm upset. I have to talk about it, to someone, just to get it out there. I know that what ever I'm bothered by is stupid and irrational, but instead of keeping it to myself, I let it out for others to see. Look at FatGirl - man is she neurotic. Yeah, I know. And the weird thing is, I'm not looking for someone to say "hey don't worry, you're not crazy, it happens, I would be bothered too." No I'm looking for someone to say "wow you're right, that is crazy." BUT I'm pretty sure if I ever actually got someone agreeing with me that I was being irrational, I'd argue with him or her. I'd defend my position as to why whatever it was was allowed to bother me, and how my neuroses were justified.

So there you have it. My self-loathing in a nutshell. The things that keep a fat girl up at night. (who knew it had nothing to do with food?)

Moments of 2009

I was at lunch yesterday with two of my besties and we were talking about top moments of the year. Not really what they were, but people who do Christmas letters and how our own lives might be too uneventful for those kinds of letters, and one of the besties mentioned her desire to keep a top Moments of 2010 list - it's too late for 2009.

So I was thinking about it last night in my search for sleep. Did I have any really great moments this last year? (I know one of the besties favorites is a funny from my life - but in case it makes her list I won't share it here.)

Here are some of the *things* good, bad, and otherwise from 2009.

- I acquired two new nephews.

- My bro and his wife are expecting - thus another new niece or nephew in 2010.

- I went to a Mariner's game (and met 'the Man' - FIRE IN MY MOUTH).

- Went to I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell with one of the besties and met Tucker Max.

- I'm officially 5/6ths of the way through law school.

- Several friends got married.

- Spontaneous road trip to Forks.

- I tried for NaNoWriMo (even though I didn't make my 50k words, I made a decent dent).

- Worked for judge and as an attorney.

- I didn't lose any friends, in fact I might have gained a friend or two.

- I both started, and finished the year living 300 miles from my husband.

- My neighbors think I'm having an extramarital affair (which is bad *AND NOT TRUE*- but funny at the same time).

- I've read no where near the amount of books I read in 2008.

- I've been going to Yoga on a regular basis - and while I'm still quite unbalanced, I'm getting better.

- I put chains on my own car driving over the pass.

- I celebrated my birthday several times with several sets of friends.

- I had the worst final in the history of the world (gotta love law school).

And I'm ready to do it all again in 2010.

Ohhh and I got several things off my "To-Do list"

Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Years as well!

Christmas Reading

I'm home for the holidays! This means several things:

First, I'm done with yet another semester of school.

Second, I get to hang out with my friends and family.

Third, I have plenty of spare time on my hands.

So the question is, what shall I do with my spare time. There are two possibilities for me right now, read or write, and since I am feeling a block on all things creative, reading seems to be my only option. So, what's on my reading list for Christmas break?

Here goes:

Catch 22

Gods in Alabama

Dracula

A Confederacy of Dunces (which I just need to finish)

Mansfield Park (another that I just need to finish)

Northanger Abbey

North by Northanger Abbey

and several other random books.

We'll have to see how far I get. I think I may have to get back on a reading schedule in 2010.

Loathsome Songs

There are certain songs that just set me off. Maybe I shouldn't share this inside secret with you, in case you decide to use it against me... hrmmmm. Maybe I'll just keep out the song titles, since I'm on a rant...

There's probably one in every genre that sets me off. Of course there are also varying degrees of annoyance.

Level One Annoyance: Visual Grimace - not bad enough to request the song be changed, but I probably cringe.

Level Two Disgust: Physical Grimace - this is usually the type that I will request the song be changed nicely, or if it's under my own control the station will be changed or volume adjusted.

Level Three Abhorrence: Physical Control - this is about the time I DEMAND the song be changed, or forcibly change the song myself. (I have done this before in other people's cars) Should someone I know and love be singing this song, I will probably reach out and cover his or her mouth.

Level Four Hatred: Get the Freak Out - There is only ONE song that I can think of that makes this happen, but if I can't control my surroundings I can control myself. I have in fact left stores when this comes on in the overhead music. I will plug my ears and institute the 'la la la la la' loudly to block the sound. (Yes, it does become very childish)

So what brought this on this morning? My own iTunes collection. That's right - some of the songs I absolutely hate are in my own collection. I can't bring myself to delete them. It's not that I forget. I just don't do it. This morning it was only a level 2 song. I hit next when it came on (well about a minute in, as I wasn't paying attention and found myself singing along).

Am I crazy or what? Yeah. I thought so.

Fantasy Land and late nights

Okay - you may know this about me, and you may not - my dreams are often influenced by my surroundings. Maybe all people are like this. I dream about what I read about, what I watch, and occasionally, a messed up version of what happens in real life.

So yesterday between watching the new Star Trek - Chris Pine is delicious in case you didn't know that already, and reading The Lightening Thief - which is really fun and entertaining, I had a full head of other worlds when I went to sleep.

This led to strange dreams about strange lands, monsters, and fighting... which led to waking up, a lot.

Tonight before I go to bed, I'm going to read or watch something happy and silly. I want a good night's sleep. But can I keep Chris Pine?

EPIC FAIL

So, NaNoWriMo is officially over.

Did I make it? Can't you tell by the title to the post? No I did not. I am about 17 THOUSAND words away. whoops.

However, I did get a new story idea of out if, so I guess it's not all bad.

Next year, my NaNo, I'll get you, and your little word count too...