Can you feel the loathe tonight?

That's right, I'm feeling the loathe right now. Some people feel the love, not me, I feel the loathe.

According to Merriam Webster, to loathe is defined as " to dislike greatly and often with disgust and intolerance."

Alas, most of the time it's the self-loathing variety, which is preferable to being the target of someone else's loathing, but annoying just the same.

Why do I feel the loathe? you may ask. Several reasons.

1) I seem to have forgotten how discretion works. I never really think about it until it comes back to bite me. Today it came back to bite me. Tell one friend one thing about another friend, and have the second friend ask you about it. I guarantee you'll feel uncomfortable enough to put your guard back up. Even if it is something completely innocent. The thoughts of what else it could have been are just too tormenting to risk it.

2) I can't get out of my own head. The words come from others, and I know they're not meant to stay as permanent residents, but somehow, they do. I roll them around, dissecting them well beyond their actual meaning. By the time I'm done, I'm so worked up that the speakers meaning and intentions have been very misconstrued. I impose my self deprecating thoughts on the words of others. I interpret everything to be shaded by my opinions of myself. Or rather, what I think other peoples opinions of me should be.

3) I allow myself to be upset and annoyed by the hypothetical and the possible - knowing full well what ever it is may or MAY NOT actually happen. I don't know what it is, I just can't stop it.

4) It's not even New Years yet, and I already feel like one of my resolutions won't make it. (The one that says be less neurotic and learn to go with the flow) What kind of stamina and will power is that?

5) I have to share my discontent, for myself and others, with others. I can't just keep it in that I'm upset. I have to talk about it, to someone, just to get it out there. I know that what ever I'm bothered by is stupid and irrational, but instead of keeping it to myself, I let it out for others to see. Look at FatGirl - man is she neurotic. Yeah, I know. And the weird thing is, I'm not looking for someone to say "hey don't worry, you're not crazy, it happens, I would be bothered too." No I'm looking for someone to say "wow you're right, that is crazy." BUT I'm pretty sure if I ever actually got someone agreeing with me that I was being irrational, I'd argue with him or her. I'd defend my position as to why whatever it was was allowed to bother me, and how my neuroses were justified.

So there you have it. My self-loathing in a nutshell. The things that keep a fat girl up at night. (who knew it had nothing to do with food?)