Accountability in 2011

I have many random goals for 2011. Some are big (find a job as a lawyer) and some are little (finish the books listed on my currently reading list at goodreads). All however, are worthy of being completed.

That being said, I am posting my currently reading list from goodreads here, so you can track my progress.

Currently Reading:

The Audacity of Hope

Mansfield Park

Everything is Illuminated

The Smoke Jumper

Gods in Alabama

A Confederacy of Dunces

These books have all been on my currently reading list for over a year. It's time to start getting through them. I guess that means I need to find them.

More goals for 2011

Finish some of my fiction! (Fan or otherwise)

Become more worldly (yes, that means read the news - more than just entertainment news)

Become ambidextrous (mainly because my right wrist is bothering me right now and I'd like to be able to use my left hand more to alleviate this)

Spend more time with my friends (all of my friends, not just the closest few)

Learn to cook something new (I'm open to suggestions here)

Limit my consumption of soda and alcohol (basically beverages with high caloric content, since I don't drink diet soda)

Yep - more random crap. We'll see how far I make it on this.

2010 - The highs and lows

As 2010 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting back on the year, at the things that happened or didn't happen. So here are some of the good and bad things that happened.

Good Things:

I graduated from law school

I got my best law school grades ever

I passed the Washington State Bar

My brother and his wife had a healthy baby girl

One of the besties is pregnant with baby number 2

My sister in law is pregnant with baby number 2

Went to Vegas with one of the besties!

My husband finally got a job (after 18 months of looking)

Bad Things:

I spent the majority of my summer studying for the bar

I still haven't found a job as a lawyer

I had to move (from school to home, but still a move just the same)

I rolled my car, totaling it, but luckily, not totaling me

I missed Muse in concert

I owe a bajillion dollars in student loans that I have to put in deferral because I don't have a job that can pay them

I miss my law school friends who I don't see nearly often enough

So there you have it, a few of the ups and downs of the year. Here's hoping that 2011 will be better. I look forward to more babies and hopefully a job as a lawyer!

The [Insert Descriptive Word Here] One

I didn't get an invitation to a party. It was one of those Facebook open invites, so the party showed up in my feed, and I'm free to attend it, but I didn't get an invitation. I'm looking at the list of people that did get invited, and low and behold, there is one of my best friends.

Since we're equally close to the birthday girl, this got me thinking. I'm friends with some pretty amazing people. They're smart, they're witty, they're pretty, they're kind, and they're loyal. All wonderful qualities. But this leaves me wondering, if I had to pick one descriptive quality, which one am I?

Did you ever see the movie Love Actually? There's this scene where Colin (the sex god, who's on the wrong continent) goes to "any bar" in America, and there are tons of hot girls. He's sitting with this table full of beautiful women, and one of them comments about their friend that's missing (Harriet I believe), and she says "she's the 'sexy one'."

That's what I'm wondering about. I have friends that I can describe as The Pretty One, or The Athletic One, or The Talented One, or any number of other adjectives... but I can't really find one for me. There are several I'd like to be (The Smart One or The Friendly One or The Loyal One), but if you saw me with my friends, you'd probably think I'm The Other One (lacking description) or depending on the day maybe The Funny One, or The Fat One, or even The Loud One.

I'm not even sure if it matters, everyone is going to have a different label anyhow, but after missing the invitation to a party, I'm wondering if I'm The Invisible One, or The Obnoxious One, or The One Secretly Voted Off The Island. Food for thought I guess. And maybe a new New Years resolution.

Lost

How do you fix something you're not completely sure is broken? Okay, fine, I'm 99.44 percent sure I inadvertently torched a friendship that was (is?) very important to me. I have no clue how to go about fixing it.

Alright, that's not completely true. I have no clue how to fix it, aside from apologizing. I did that. I'm still hanging out here in the land of the unsure. I don't know what to do next. At least not without making myself look like an even bigger head case. (In this case, it's likely that I come across as neurotic and almost definite that I come across as insecure, this would just add copious quantities of fuel to that fire.)

Sometimes a girl just wants a concrete answer. Even if it's not the answer I want, an answer would be better than no answer. They (whoever "they" are) always say that actions speak louder than words. Well I'm here to disagree. I'm a lawyer. I'm a girl. I'm neurotic. I can interpret a lot from actions. I think that clear words are much louder.

So with this situation in mind, I begin my list of New Years Resolutions for 2011.

1) Find a way to be less obsessive about communication received (or not received as the case may be) from others.

2) Find a way to unempower songs.

3) Find a job as a lawyer.

4) Find out how to become the person I want to be. (Find the person I want to be - who is hopefully not going to be neurotic.)

5) Spend more time with my friends and family.

6) Improve my financial situation.

7) [insert traditional weight loss/heath related goals here]

There you have it. The start of the list. It may change, grow or shrink in the next two weeks or so. Stay tuned.

Things That Suck About Working Retail

Alright, while I look for my lawyer job, I've found a retail job. It gets me out of the house, and gets a little money in my pocket, but it also makes me want to pull my hair out.

So here are the top 5 things that make me crazy:

1. Working weekends in general and working on Black Friday (I start before 4 am!)

2. My commissioned coworkers who snap at me for talking to people (Please note: I am NOT trying to steal your sale, I will happily ring it up for you).

3. The same coworkers stealing MY sales!

4. The fact that I'm practically wearing all black all the time.

5. Wearing the same black loafers every day (I have yet to get to the point where tennis shoes and slacks is an option and high heels are completely out of the question).

Of course, there are some good things about my job. Aside from my coworkers being overly suspicious, they're generally pretty nice. My boss is pretty cool. I get a good discount. I'm learning a lot about various household appliances. And again, even though it's a pittance, I'm earning some money.

Sticking Points As Sleep Aids

So, every so often (okay fine most of the time), when writing you run into a dead end. The story is moving along, and then you come to a point where you can't seem to move forward.

To me this usually indicates that I need to focus on something else for a while, then come back to it. This usually works, but I can't really do that for NaNo, I need to just try and write through it, which means writing something that's more drivel than usual.

Anyhow. So last night, I'm laying in bed, thinking about a point where I'm stuck... and before I can come to any sort of possible resolution, or way to reverse and restart, I'm sound asleep.

What does it say that my own story puts me to sleep?

Yeah. I thought so.

The NaNo Struggle

This year, the website for NaNo seems to have changed tactics. It now appears to be about reaching the daily goal - 1667 - instead of the monthly goal - 50,000. The end goal is still the same, and if you only met the daily goal you'd hit the end goal, but the problem I have is that sometimes my words rhyme slow and sometimes they rhyme quick. (Alright so that's Nice n' Smooth's words, but the principle applies).

Some days I'm on a roll and write 2000 words without issue and somedays 500 words is a struggle. Last year, as long as you were on track for the month, you were being successful. So if I wrote 2500 words on day one and 850 words on day two, I was still successful. Now, it seems to be removed to a daily level, so if I write 2500 words on day one, and 850 words on day two, I'm on target for the month, but day two is considered an unsuccessful day for not making it to 1667.

I'm not sure that I like this. I liked that I could write ahead and take a day off, and now I don't feel like I can. at least not so early in the game. Bummer.

Prep work for NaNo

The goal of NaNoWriMo, as previously stated, is to write 50k words in the month of November. The goal is to write ALL of those words in November.
Knowing my own creative process - this is my prediction - I'll go along swimmingly for the first week or two, writing my 1666 per day, moving the story along. And then BOOM. Out of no where, the muse will disappear, or the plot will die out. So what can I do to prevent that?

What I've done this year, is something that is apparently called a "style sheet", which is basically a cheat sheet about each major character. This way, I won't fall off track trying to figure out bits and pieces like where the main character went to college (University of Washington for a while then transfered to Boston College), or how many siblings the disapparing boyfriend has (2 a brother and sister, both younger, but not substantially). This also gave me a chance to map out the main character's relationship tree, how she's related to others, be it friendship, romantically, biologically, or professionally.
Lastly, one of the things that happens to the main character is that she sees things. Not in an Alice Cullen sees the future sort of way, but in a flashes of 'what might have been' sort of way... so I have to sort those out.

Another Crack at NaNoWriMo

So I'm trying again for National Novel Writing Month. Fingers crossed that I make it through this year. But to start it off (I know I'm supposed to wait til November 1st to start writing, but I can't help it), here is the prologue. (It's only like 150 words - thus not really a drop in the bucket towards the word count.)

Tentative Title: All Who Wander

“Not all those who wander are lost.” J. R. R. Tolkien

Prologue

I sat up from a dead sleep when I heard the bedroom door open with a creak. I immediately patted the other side of the bed, looking to find my boyfriend of six months. He wasn’t there. As the light spilled in from the hallway, I could see him standing in the doorway.

“Where are you going babe?” I asked sleepily, as I rubbed my eyes.

“Go back to sleep Sweetheart,” he said softly.

“Okay. Love you.” I lay back down, and rolled over towards the side of the bed he had just vacated.

“I love you too,” he murmured.

I heard the click of the latch, as he shut the door, and nothing more.

That was the last time I saw Cole St. John.

***

So there you have it... the start of something new.

Top 5 Things That Are Better Cold

Yes I know, most food/drink items are designed to be served hot, or to be served cold, but there are a few that are designed to be served hot that I think are actually better cold, and here they are:

1. Sparta's pizza - the cheese coagulates and it's just blissful. This is not to say that it's bad hot (it's not at all), but it's just better cold.

2. Fried Chicken - Okay first of all, I think I like the fried better than the chicken, but either way, I still think it's better cold.

3. Some Chinese Food - not all chinese food of course - but really good potstickers are even better when they're cold

4. Lasagna - Okay this one may actually be a toss up. I love lasagna when it's fresh out of the oven and the cheese is all melty and bubbly, but it's also good when it cools and firms up and is so much easier to eat.

5. Fruit Pies - I know, all cream pies are meant to be served cold (makes sense), but most fruit pies can go either way, and in all honestly, while I love the smell of fresh baked apple pie... I really want it to get cold before I eat it. (Note: This does not mean that I would ever turn down hot apple pie, just if I had the choice, I'd probably take it cold.)

Did I miss any thing that is really better cold?

Show Me Love

I know that everyone is different. Different people express things in different ways. While I can appreciate that in an abstract nature (as a concept), I have a very hard time seeing it in practice.

I am very expressive when it comes to love/affection/emotion of any kind. I am all for hugs, tears, rants, and raves. I have no problem hugging people hello and goodbye, or telling my friends and family that I love them.

Not everyone expresses love that way. Being the neurotic person I am, together with everyone in my family being like me, and a large part of the people in my husband's family being like me, and most of my friends being like me, I have a hard time recognizing love or friendship if it's not shown the way I'm used to seeing it. If people don't act the way I would act then obviously we're not really friends.

Yes, I know, that makes NO SENSE AT ALL.

Well guess what. I'm wrong. And now, I'm a convert. It's been years, but now, I can see love in another way. Actions may actually speak louder, or if not louder, at least equally as loud, as words. Who knew?

The best show you've never seen

I'm a huge fan of TV on DVD. I love to watch episodes of shows, old and new, uncut, commercial free, and at my leisure.

This started long ago with a mid season filler on Fox called Keen Eddie. It's a police dramedy (drama + comedy), about a NYPD detective who screws up a huge drug bust and is sent to England to follow the drugs. The rest of the (short) season follows him trying to work his American detective style with the boys at Scotland yard. It stars Mark Valley (who you can currently find on Human Target... also on Fox) and Sienna Miller, and a whole cast of other Brits who are probably famous TV stars in England, but us crazy Americans have no clue who they are.

Lately I've discovered Half.com which is a great way to feed my TV on DVD addiction, because unfortunately a season of TV usually runs between 30 and 50 dollars, more if it's an HBO/Showtime show, and less if it's been out for years... or packaged into a series box set, whereas on Half you can get them for as little as 4 dollars.

I love the USA Network, most of my summer/midseason 'must watch' shows come from USA. Currently I watch Psych, Royal Pains and White Collar, but in the past I've also been a fan of Monk, The 4400 and best of all The Dead Zone. The Dead Zone is a TV series adaptation of a Stephen King book by the same name, starring everyone's favorite 80's geek Anthony Michael Hall. I finally tracked down Season 6 (the final season) on DVD a few months ago (for $8.99) and completed my collection. If you like slight sci-fi or just AMH, you should totally check this one out.

But I go on...

The best show you've (likely) never seen: Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip.

Studio 60 is a dramedy that originally aired on NBC. It was a new show the year of the writers strike, and thus was bounced on and off the air, and I think that's the reason it didn't make it past the first season. This show is a smart, witty, real show about a comedy sketch show. It doesn't typically show the sketches themselves, but it shows what the writers and executive producer, the cast members, and other various network execs go through. It's got an All Star cast, Matthew Perry (Friends), Bradley Whitford (The West Wing), Amanda Peet (The Whole 9 Yards), Steven Weber (Wings), and Timothy Busfield (Field of Dreams)... and whole bunch of other people.

I just finished watching the last episode on DVD today. Love this show. Best $8 I ever spent on a DVD.

If you've never tried TV on DVD, you should. You'll love it!

No longer fit for human interaction.

That's right, the bar exam has ruined my ability to hang out with people. I'm snarky and irritable, and that's on a good day. On a bad day, well, let's just say you don't really want to know.

I realized this last night. I had my mock exam yesterday (pure hell), and I was talking about it at the movies with my friends, (My ONE night off from bar prep, thanks to the mock exam). I made mention of one of the problems that I'd had trouble with, sort of blowing off the subject matter, and my best friend says something like "well the exam is only 4 weeks away now," implying that I really needed to learn that stuff. (Okay fine, maybe she wasn't meaning to imply it, but that's the way I took it.) It took pretty much everything I had NOT to tell her that I'd like to see her do it. Fine, you cram basic (applicable) knowledge of 22 subjects of law into you head, all of which have a million different subparts, and none of which you know for sure will be on the exam. Then come back and talk to me.

Now, she's a smart girl, way smarter than me, and I'm sure she could totally do it, but in no way did she deserve even my snarky thoughts. It's probably for the best that I didn't voice them, as I'm sure she would have told me to F off... and that frankly, I'm the one that made my bed... i've just got to suck it up and deal. And I know this, but please, I don't need to be reminded I need to learn the law.

But after that I realized, I'm not really fit for human interaction, so unless you're my husband (and I see you because I live with you), or in my bar prep class, I probably won't see you til after the bar. No offense, but it's probably for the better. I'm starting to think that the best way to maintain my non-law friendships is to just disappear until this whole mess is over.

The Last To Know... A rant

Why is it that one of the things I hate most in life is being the last to know?

Is it that I feel like I'm such a good friend that everyone should confide everything in me?

Is it that I'm such a gossip monger that I feel like it's my duty to know everything?

Is it that I fear there's some dreadful reason that I'm not told?

Is it merely that I don't like to be left in the dark?

Is it even that I hate being last to know?

Or is it simply another way to express my displeasure with surprise?

Whatever it is, I really don't like it. And honestly, the only thing worse than being last to know, is finding out either in a public forum (like myspace) or if it's bad news finding out in public so you can't even react. Although pretending to already know so you don't feel like a thicky isn't much fun either. It's too bad there's not a mind control device out there that makes people tell you things. Just random fyis... people just blurt them out. Hey... I quit my job six months ago... Hey... I'm getting married... Hey... I'm going back to school... Does anyone else thinks this would be a good idea? Okay fine... I accept that it's just me and I'm nosy. Like that's a shock.

Home Again

I hate moving. I've moved 3 times in the last three years, and now I'm ready to be done for quite some time. I think the worst part is... well all of it. I hate packing, I hate carrying boxes, I hate unpacking.

The best part is when it's done. Right now, it's no where near done, in fact, when I finish this blog, I'm going to go upstairs and unpack my clothes, so I don't have to worry about finding clothes to wear every morning. Then I'm on to fixing up my office.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get into my kitchen.

Welcome Home Fat Girl - the real world sucks.

One Week From Today...

I will be a law school graduate.

At times the last three years seems to have dragged on and on. But now, as the end is here, it feels like virtually no time has passed at all.

While I am excited to get home to my friends and my family, I will miss the new friends I have made. I didn't come to law school expecting to make new friends, well at least not ones I made life long bonds with... but that goes to show that one cannot predict the future.

This is a bittersweet time for me. I am so excited to be done, and happy to go home, and sad to leave my friends, all at the same time.

Lost In Translation

I watched the movie Fearless last night. It's a Chinese film starting Jet Li. It's in Chinese, with subtitles. I'm normally not one for subtitles, but this wasn't my choice, so here's what I noticed.

- There are some random quips that I would probably consider Western cliches. I know in translating, it's not verbatim, it's the gist of things, but I kind of wonder what the Chinese colloquialism would be.

- Some of the dialogue that is translated into one word answers (Yes/No) seem to be a lot longer than one word.

- When people were speaking English, they still had the subtitles up - this was towards the end of the film and it had me wondering, am I picking up Chinese? Or is that really English.

[Okay - I admit it, I watched this film late at night and after half a bottle of wine, NO I was not drunk, but I was nice and relaxed for the first time in ages]

Anyhow - this translation between Chinese and English got me to thinking about translation between men and women. I know I personally tend to over think EVERYTHING. I read things into places that they probably shouldn't be. I also tend to mean things I'm not saying when I say things. This is like the typical female meaning of the word 'fine' where nine times out of ten, the word fine does not in fact mean fine. (Ex: I'm fine - said in a cool tone with hard look in the eyes probably means exactly the opposite, no I am not fine, but I'm not going to tell you that, I'm going to hope that you pick up on that, then ask me about it.)

I know I'm not the only one guilty of doing this. I know tons of other women that do it. But do guys do it too? Or do they actually say what they mean and mean what they say? My husband likes to tell me to listen to the words that are coming out of his mouth, because that's exactly what he means, but even then, tone of voice, stance, and body language can contradict that.

Maybe I should get subtitles. Do you think they have an app for that?

Learning To Say No

This goes with the accommodation thing I think. I need to learn to say no to things.

My problem is that I say yes - when I want to say no, then I become passive aggressive about the situation. That's a real treat let me tell you.

This stems from a situation that arose yesterday. I invited two friends for dinner last night. It was set up days in advance, and I had the menu set and everything. Yesterday afternoon, as I'm leaving for a function that's going to keep me out until almost dinner time, I get a text from one of my friends asking to bring a guest.

Okay. There's plenty of food. That shouldn't be a huge problem, but to me it is. It's not that I don't want to meet a new person. It's that my house is barely "friends" clean, let alone "new people" clean, and I have NO TIME to clean it, because I'm on my way to cocktail party.

Plus, in addition to the messiness that consumes my apartment, I'm suddenly concerned that my meal of lasagna and garlic bread is not enough. Cooking for my friends here is like cooking for my family at home: I can get away with not serving side dishes, letting them serve themselves, and not setting the table. (We usually eat in front of the TV.)

Also, I'm not overly confident in my cooking skills. I know I can make a killer lasagna... but everything else is... touch and go. So I wasn't worried about my main course, but I made tiramisu for dessert, and I've only made it once before, so I was worried that it wouldn't turn out right.

I'm not really sure why it worries me to serve my cooking to some chick one of my friends picked up, that I'll never see again... but it does.

So looking back, I should have just said no. I know that it would have led to yet another cancellation - and probably tarnished my image as a cool girl, but it probably would have been worth it for the reduced stress level.

Apparently it's the next thing on my list to work on. Wish me luck.

Deep Thoughts on Friendship

I am admittedly an overly accommodating person.

I'm happy to do airport runs, omit ingredients I love when cooking for guests, buy desserts I don't like, drop what I'm doing to help out a friend, bend my schedule in favor of someone elses, re-watch shows on my DVR because someone couldn't watch it on the original airdate, go places I don't want to go, and do things I don't really want to do, pretty much anything and everything to help out a friend (or family member).

I'm not actually sure why I'm so accommodating. Part of me thinks that it's my upbringing. I'm the (relatively) easy going one in a family full of stubborn, opinionated people that like to get their way. (This isn't to say that I'm always easy going, I'm capable of stubborn, and I've definitely thrown a tantrum or two - but usually this isn't my first reaction.) And part of me thinks it's the mechanism I use to keep friends.

I have friends. I really do. But I honestly have no idea why they're friends with someone like me. Comparatively I'm absolutely blah. I'm friends with some amazing people: they're smart, they're funny, they're attractive, they're thoughtful and caring... pretty much some of the best people you could ever know. I, being none of those things, have no idea what I bring to any of my relationships, and thus to keep them, try my best not to upset the apple cart. (And how better to do that than just accommodate their every whims?)

Do I mind being accommodating? Not really. But occasionally, like today, the accommodation becomes too much - and I feel taken advantage of. (Is this the only reason people are friends with me?) Today I said I wanted to change it. Now I know it won't happen overnight - and I'll never completely stop being accommodating - but I need to learn curb it when it becomes apparent that my willingness to accommodate someone is being taken for granted.

(Also - this does not mean that everything I do is merely to be accommodating - if I'm REALLY against something I won't do it... I promise.)