No longer fit for human interaction.

That's right, the bar exam has ruined my ability to hang out with people. I'm snarky and irritable, and that's on a good day. On a bad day, well, let's just say you don't really want to know.

I realized this last night. I had my mock exam yesterday (pure hell), and I was talking about it at the movies with my friends, (My ONE night off from bar prep, thanks to the mock exam). I made mention of one of the problems that I'd had trouble with, sort of blowing off the subject matter, and my best friend says something like "well the exam is only 4 weeks away now," implying that I really needed to learn that stuff. (Okay fine, maybe she wasn't meaning to imply it, but that's the way I took it.) It took pretty much everything I had NOT to tell her that I'd like to see her do it. Fine, you cram basic (applicable) knowledge of 22 subjects of law into you head, all of which have a million different subparts, and none of which you know for sure will be on the exam. Then come back and talk to me.

Now, she's a smart girl, way smarter than me, and I'm sure she could totally do it, but in no way did she deserve even my snarky thoughts. It's probably for the best that I didn't voice them, as I'm sure she would have told me to F off... and that frankly, I'm the one that made my bed... i've just got to suck it up and deal. And I know this, but please, I don't need to be reminded I need to learn the law.

But after that I realized, I'm not really fit for human interaction, so unless you're my husband (and I see you because I live with you), or in my bar prep class, I probably won't see you til after the bar. No offense, but it's probably for the better. I'm starting to think that the best way to maintain my non-law friendships is to just disappear until this whole mess is over.

The Last To Know... A rant

Why is it that one of the things I hate most in life is being the last to know?

Is it that I feel like I'm such a good friend that everyone should confide everything in me?

Is it that I'm such a gossip monger that I feel like it's my duty to know everything?

Is it that I fear there's some dreadful reason that I'm not told?

Is it merely that I don't like to be left in the dark?

Is it even that I hate being last to know?

Or is it simply another way to express my displeasure with surprise?

Whatever it is, I really don't like it. And honestly, the only thing worse than being last to know, is finding out either in a public forum (like myspace) or if it's bad news finding out in public so you can't even react. Although pretending to already know so you don't feel like a thicky isn't much fun either. It's too bad there's not a mind control device out there that makes people tell you things. Just random fyis... people just blurt them out. Hey... I quit my job six months ago... Hey... I'm getting married... Hey... I'm going back to school... Does anyone else thinks this would be a good idea? Okay fine... I accept that it's just me and I'm nosy. Like that's a shock.

Home Again

I hate moving. I've moved 3 times in the last three years, and now I'm ready to be done for quite some time. I think the worst part is... well all of it. I hate packing, I hate carrying boxes, I hate unpacking.

The best part is when it's done. Right now, it's no where near done, in fact, when I finish this blog, I'm going to go upstairs and unpack my clothes, so I don't have to worry about finding clothes to wear every morning. Then I'm on to fixing up my office.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get into my kitchen.

Welcome Home Fat Girl - the real world sucks.

One Week From Today...

I will be a law school graduate.

At times the last three years seems to have dragged on and on. But now, as the end is here, it feels like virtually no time has passed at all.

While I am excited to get home to my friends and my family, I will miss the new friends I have made. I didn't come to law school expecting to make new friends, well at least not ones I made life long bonds with... but that goes to show that one cannot predict the future.

This is a bittersweet time for me. I am so excited to be done, and happy to go home, and sad to leave my friends, all at the same time.

Lost In Translation

I watched the movie Fearless last night. It's a Chinese film starting Jet Li. It's in Chinese, with subtitles. I'm normally not one for subtitles, but this wasn't my choice, so here's what I noticed.

- There are some random quips that I would probably consider Western cliches. I know in translating, it's not verbatim, it's the gist of things, but I kind of wonder what the Chinese colloquialism would be.

- Some of the dialogue that is translated into one word answers (Yes/No) seem to be a lot longer than one word.

- When people were speaking English, they still had the subtitles up - this was towards the end of the film and it had me wondering, am I picking up Chinese? Or is that really English.

[Okay - I admit it, I watched this film late at night and after half a bottle of wine, NO I was not drunk, but I was nice and relaxed for the first time in ages]

Anyhow - this translation between Chinese and English got me to thinking about translation between men and women. I know I personally tend to over think EVERYTHING. I read things into places that they probably shouldn't be. I also tend to mean things I'm not saying when I say things. This is like the typical female meaning of the word 'fine' where nine times out of ten, the word fine does not in fact mean fine. (Ex: I'm fine - said in a cool tone with hard look in the eyes probably means exactly the opposite, no I am not fine, but I'm not going to tell you that, I'm going to hope that you pick up on that, then ask me about it.)

I know I'm not the only one guilty of doing this. I know tons of other women that do it. But do guys do it too? Or do they actually say what they mean and mean what they say? My husband likes to tell me to listen to the words that are coming out of his mouth, because that's exactly what he means, but even then, tone of voice, stance, and body language can contradict that.

Maybe I should get subtitles. Do you think they have an app for that?

Learning To Say No

This goes with the accommodation thing I think. I need to learn to say no to things.

My problem is that I say yes - when I want to say no, then I become passive aggressive about the situation. That's a real treat let me tell you.

This stems from a situation that arose yesterday. I invited two friends for dinner last night. It was set up days in advance, and I had the menu set and everything. Yesterday afternoon, as I'm leaving for a function that's going to keep me out until almost dinner time, I get a text from one of my friends asking to bring a guest.

Okay. There's plenty of food. That shouldn't be a huge problem, but to me it is. It's not that I don't want to meet a new person. It's that my house is barely "friends" clean, let alone "new people" clean, and I have NO TIME to clean it, because I'm on my way to cocktail party.

Plus, in addition to the messiness that consumes my apartment, I'm suddenly concerned that my meal of lasagna and garlic bread is not enough. Cooking for my friends here is like cooking for my family at home: I can get away with not serving side dishes, letting them serve themselves, and not setting the table. (We usually eat in front of the TV.)

Also, I'm not overly confident in my cooking skills. I know I can make a killer lasagna... but everything else is... touch and go. So I wasn't worried about my main course, but I made tiramisu for dessert, and I've only made it once before, so I was worried that it wouldn't turn out right.

I'm not really sure why it worries me to serve my cooking to some chick one of my friends picked up, that I'll never see again... but it does.

So looking back, I should have just said no. I know that it would have led to yet another cancellation - and probably tarnished my image as a cool girl, but it probably would have been worth it for the reduced stress level.

Apparently it's the next thing on my list to work on. Wish me luck.

Deep Thoughts on Friendship

I am admittedly an overly accommodating person.

I'm happy to do airport runs, omit ingredients I love when cooking for guests, buy desserts I don't like, drop what I'm doing to help out a friend, bend my schedule in favor of someone elses, re-watch shows on my DVR because someone couldn't watch it on the original airdate, go places I don't want to go, and do things I don't really want to do, pretty much anything and everything to help out a friend (or family member).

I'm not actually sure why I'm so accommodating. Part of me thinks that it's my upbringing. I'm the (relatively) easy going one in a family full of stubborn, opinionated people that like to get their way. (This isn't to say that I'm always easy going, I'm capable of stubborn, and I've definitely thrown a tantrum or two - but usually this isn't my first reaction.) And part of me thinks it's the mechanism I use to keep friends.

I have friends. I really do. But I honestly have no idea why they're friends with someone like me. Comparatively I'm absolutely blah. I'm friends with some amazing people: they're smart, they're funny, they're attractive, they're thoughtful and caring... pretty much some of the best people you could ever know. I, being none of those things, have no idea what I bring to any of my relationships, and thus to keep them, try my best not to upset the apple cart. (And how better to do that than just accommodate their every whims?)

Do I mind being accommodating? Not really. But occasionally, like today, the accommodation becomes too much - and I feel taken advantage of. (Is this the only reason people are friends with me?) Today I said I wanted to change it. Now I know it won't happen overnight - and I'll never completely stop being accommodating - but I need to learn curb it when it becomes apparent that my willingness to accommodate someone is being taken for granted.

(Also - this does not mean that everything I do is merely to be accommodating - if I'm REALLY against something I won't do it... I promise.)